By: Rabbi Aryeh Gitlin
Continuing our discussion of the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’eim, we will discuss some of the practical halachos pertaining to the proper manner of referring to one's parents. As always, specific questions should be addressed to one's Rav.
One may not refer to his father or mother by their first name, even when the parent is not present and even after the parent has passed away (S.A Y.D 240:2; Taz 240:4). This prohibition stems from the obligation of Morah/reverence for one’s parents. According to most poskim, when a parent is not present, one may mention the parent's name when necessary provided that a title such as "Avi," "Rav," or preferably "Avi Mori" is used beforehand (Gra YD 242:36, Sdei Chemed, Klalim, Chof, Igros Moshe Y.D 1:133).
When asked what one’s parents name is, one may say the name if they add a title or they can say it as a statement, “My father’s name is ploni” (Pischei Teshuvah YD 240:2).
A friend who shares the same name as one’s parents should ideally be called by a slightly altered version of the name, especially in the parent's presence. However, some poskim are lenient and permit using the friend's regular name, reasoning that parents generally do not object in such situations (Taz Y.D 240:5 and Shach Y.D 240:3). However, if the parent has an uncommon name, one should avoid using that name for a friend even when the parent is not present (Rambam Hilchos Mamrim 6:3). After a parent’s passing, many permit using the name normally while others maintain that it should still be modified slightly (Morah Horim V’kibbudim 6:24).
Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv (Morah Horim V’kibbudim 6:32) opines that if a parent is commonly called by a nickname and not by his or her actual name, one may use the parent's given name when addressing a friend who shares that name because that is not how the parent is ordinarily referred to.
When reciting a Mi Sheberach for one’s parents, Rav Benzion Abba Shaul (Morah Horim V’kibbudim 6:33) opines that one should say “Avi Mori” or “Imi Morasi” before the parent’s name. If the parent is present, one should mention only the title and omit the name. Likewise, when called to the Torah and asked for one’s father’s name, it is proper to add a title before mentioning the name.
The Sefer Chassidim (800) writes that when davening for a parent, one should not add honorary titles because when one is praying to Hashem one does not emphasize the greatness of other people.
Rav Moshe Feinstein writes that a child may refer to a parent by name if the parent explicitly grants permission. Nevertheless, one who refrains from doing so still fulfills the mitzvah of honoring and revering one's parents (Igros Moshe Y.D 1:133).
Taken from the Kollel Avreichim Hollywood
